04 Jul Stepping Out of the Arena
“In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength…”
~ Isaiah 30:15
Wearily I step out of the arena I was in.
Salty sweat stings my eyes and I STRUGGLE to catch my breath.
I long for somewhere to collapse, yet I don’t even realize it.
Fight or flight still RAGES on as adrenaline still floods my body.
I am bleeding . . . but don’t know why.
The battle too FAST, too FIERCE.
Numb, I half stand too WEAK to fight gravity’s seemingly increasing strength.
I glance behind me and notice . . . You coming towards me.
My reflexes tense in battle-ready position as you appear to me an enemy I need to fight.
After all, it was You who sent me in there.
Didn’t you know how hard and scary it would be?
With a polarizing mixture of strength and tenderness you try to PULL me close.
Angrily I swing at you again and again and again
as my body and emotions seem to max on overload in an hyperventilating state.
The questioning lurking deep inside fuels each swing.…
Are you good?
Am I safe?
Exhaustion calms my swings into a resignation of indifference as I sit,
With You by me,
But not too close please.
I’m bleeding, hurting, and I stink.
And again . . .
Can I trust You?
Do you want to just patch me up and toss me back in again?
Don’t you see the terror on my face?
The exhaustion in my tears?
I see the gentle love in your eyes answer me even though I want to dismiss it and turn away.
I want to pretend You don’t care.
Yet, I can’t avoid the arrow of Truth I was just shot with…
I have time to rest, but then yes, You want me to GO BACK IN.
This arena is GOOD for me?
I drop my head and shoulders lower . . .
I don’t have the energy to argue.
I wave the white flag and surrender to your request.
I give up.
I shift my body weight trying to get up and prepare to go back in.
My body suddenly stops as I feel you grab my hand.
You are leading me . . .
I ask where and you just smile and say, “Breathe, my love.”
“First, you need rest.”